moss analog

Category: blogs

  • valley

    valley

    as many of my friends and family know, I have a hobby of collecting cassette tapes. This is something that I started doing last year; I wanted to engage with the local music scene, find new music, and rebel against the culture in which we no longer own the media we interact with. Most of my tapes are purchased on what I can only describe as a sort of cosmic attraction. I stare at the tape rack at the record store and pick out three that speak to me.

    One of the tapes I picked up last year was valley by lightweight champion. It’s an incredibly short album, at only five songs. Lightweight champion is, as I found out, a local band with a small discography. It ended up being one of the best tapes, if not the best, that I’ve gotten so far. Not just in the sense of the music itself, but in its impact on me.

    The first time I played it, I was in the shower. It’s hard to hear songs over the water, so I don’t know why that was the choice I made, but even despite this, I picked up on enough of the songs for them to resonate. Actually, I began to cry, without even fully hearing the lyrics.

    That morning, I was getting coffee with my friends, and I decided to play the album in my car on the way down. When I heard the songs more clearly, I cried again.

    The context in which I was listening to this album was what spurred this reaction. I was in one of the hardest periods in my life – last year, I was going through some serious health issues, for which the cause would not be identified until December.

    There was one song in particular that really resonated with me, which was “Underperforming.”

    The lyrics are as follows:

    On the eve of my decision

    I know I promised to call

    But when I woke up in the morning

    I didn’t do anything at all

    Now who’s this lazy, condescending

    Spirit that haunts my body now

    Well I can’t seem to shake him

    and he keeps


    Underperforming under pressure

    and he’s always in mourning

    Over the reason for the distance

    between you and I

    I know that we made plans here

    I even wrote it out on my arm

    But when I laid down at four in the morning

    I didn’t set an alarm

    Now are these conscious and intentional

    Decisions that haunt my body now?

    Well I can’t seem to shake them,

    they keep me

    Underperforming under pressure

    and they’re always in mourning

    over the reason for the distance

    between you and I

    In my dreams,

    I saw radiant beams of sunlight,

    The cornerstones of my life in succession

    And down below

    in the valley of my memories

    you stood amongst the greenery

    and your mouth, it said let it go

    When I saw you at the grocery store

    I couldn’t look in your eye

    My nerves all overcame me

    And so I went to the car and cried

    Now are these actions my true feelings?

    I swear that they haunt my body now

    And I can’t seem to change them,

    they keep me

    Underperforming under pressure

    and I’m always avoiding

    every reason for the distance

    between you and I

    I’m going to preface this with a note about why this song became so personal for me – when I first listened to it, the “you” in this song became not another person, but the person I wanted to be, my idealized self. Reading it that way changes the entire meaning of the song, but, in my opinion, the meaning of art is up to the interpretation of the audience.

    The theme about these negative traits haunting one’s body resonated with me deeply, given that I was going through health issues that felt as though my body was being haunted. Having hypoglycemic episodes left me fatigued and unable to focus, and I sometimes felt as though I was being lazy; as though this was “conscious and intentional.” Questioning whether these were my true feelings or simply part of what I was going through was commonly on my mind.

    When it comes to the idea of “underperforming,” that was a defining point of struggle for me. I felt like I couldn’t manage what I had to at work and in my personal life, and I wasn’t doing anything up to my standards. The lead-in from the aforementioned lyrics captured how I was coming to know that my “underperformance” was a result of my physical circumstances. I hold myself to high standards and take pride in my work, and being unable to meet that for myself day in and day out was hugely upsetting. Giving myself grace was completely unfamiliar to me before, but, as this went on, learning how to do that was the only way to keep myself sane.

    The bridge section was of particular importance to me. As I was going through this incredibly tumultuous time, I often found myself reflecting on my life up to that point, especially in regards to my career. I got out my box of keepsakes given to me by kids I had worked with in my programs, and that, for me, was reflective of the cornerstones of my life.

    Keeping in mind that I interpreted “you” as the best version of myself, the next portion had me visualizing myself saying to “let it go.” I had to let go of the worst parts of my past, the struggles I had at present, the job that wasn’t working out, to become that person.

    There’s a lyric from another song on the album, Winter Leaves, that goes: “the space in the sky as the albatross flies / is the end and the beginning.” As a figure of speech, albatross represent a significant psychological burden. All of those things were dragging me to the precipice of despair, and letting it go, letting it fly, was how I could close that chapter and have a new beginning.

    Despair nipped at the edges of my psyche; the bit about the grocery store in the song struck me because the hypoglycemic episodes had embarrassed and scared me enough that I was reticent to go even go to the grocery store. I was becoming more and more withdrawn. I had a sense of shame that I couldn’t manage such a basic errand without massive stress, and it could be overwhelming at times.

    I wanted to circle back to the beginning of the song at the end here, specifically due to the gravity of my commentary. Though I maintained a positive outlook as best as I could and tried to take things in stride, towards the end of the year my physical condition and symptoms weighed on me heavily. At my lowest points, suicide did cross my mind. I had made good progress on building a live I enjoyed living, but the severity of my illness could bring up extremely dark feelings. If I hadn’t gotten an explanation when I did, it felt like that decision would be one I would have to make; not knowing what I was going through, I wasn’t even sure that I would be able to recover. I worried, but not without genuine reason, that whatever was going on might take my life.

    Instead of dwelling on it and letting it consume me, I made decisions that would give me a better life when, or if, I recovered. I took time to develop myself as a person, to engage with my hobbies, to spend time with friends. That kept me going then, and gave me the ability to thrive later on.

    Finding this song when I did gave me the words I didn’t have. There are times when you find good music, and others when good music finds you. What I went through was unimaginably difficult, but I’m grateful for many of the things that came out of that time, this album included. Though I’ve since been able to recover and, in my opinion, succeed what I had pictured as my best self, I’ve kept listening to it. It’s one that I think I will hold near and dear to my heart for the rest of my life.

  • the problem with film photography

    the problem with film photography

    i love film photography; this much should be obvious. however, sometimes it really stinks.

    mostly, this is because of the age of the tech i use. old cameras come with problems, many of which you don’t find out about until it’s had consequences for your photos.

    in utah, i took pictures in all five of the national parks we visited. you may have noticed that only three parks were posted on here.

    sometime between capitol reef and bryce canyon, my shutter curtain jammed. i didn’t know this, though. it still shot photos and would advance the film, but it made a weird noise. i could tell something didn’t look quite right when i opened it to load it, and decided to just hope for the best.

    i took plenty of pictures in bryce canyon and zion, but had a sneaking suspicion that none of them would turn out. i hate being right.

    the photo lab called me to break the news. apparently, on those rolls each frame was so severely overexposed that nothing i had tried to capture was visible.

    i’m glad i got the first three parks, but it was a bummer to not get those two.

    the other issues that arise with film photography are those from user error.

    i experienced this on a hike i did recently, lake serene and bridal veil falls.

    i had some problems loading my film, but eventually it took and the frame counter said [1]. so, i figured we were good.

    once again, there was a weird noise when shooting, but this camera is new to me, and it didn’t sound entirely like something was broken.

    the hike was extremely difficult, but the views were stunning, and i was looking forward to the pictures.

    because of my experience in utah, i decided to take a couple on my phone, just in case.

    i’m glad i did.

    it turned out that i had not loaded the film properly and it wasn’t far enough in to actually advance. so, no pictures got taken at all.

    now, none of these experiences are enough to deter me from continuing with this hobby. on the contrary, actually.

    even though it’s frustrating to have a roll of photos not turn out, especially when you’re super excited about them, i think there’s still a lot to appreciate about the practice.

    when you have to truly think about every photo you take — your subject, the lighting, the breeze, people around you, so on and so forth — you really take in your surroundings, in a way you wouldn’t have otherwise.

    the memories i have from the parks in utah and the hike out here are very vivid and detailed, and i think this is in no small part influenced by my efforts to take photos. i have plenty of memories of both the grand scenery and the much smaller things, such as trailside flora and cool rocks i had attempted to photograph.

    even though i didn’t get photos out of it, i’m still glad i took my camera along on those ventures. i’ll keep at it, because it’s rewarding either way.

  • on disconnecting

    on disconnecting


    back in early february, i decided to delete social media from my phone. i was losing so much of my free time – and time that really should have been spent on tasks – to scrolling. worse, i wasn’t even enjoying it. it’s not as though the content itself was miserable; much of what i saw on my feeds was content from friends, topics i enjoyed, or otherwise interesting, but the proportion of what was advertisements, upsetting, or boring seemed to be growing, and i became increasingly frustrated. i came to realize that i was deeply unsatisfied with spending time on social media, and eventually, without allowing myself to think twice, bit the bullet and deleted the apps.

    since then, i have continually realized how much this decision has been of benefit to me. it goes well beyond having my time back. my anxiety has improved significantly, i’ve been engaging with my hobbies more, and i’m overall more satisfied with my day-to-day life.

    the anxiety bit was surprising. i don’t think i realized how stressful social media was for me. the most marked improvement has been from how my thoughts no longer include the imaginary audience that social media created. when i say “imaginary audience,” what i mean is that my thoughts were being filtered through what followers and friends would think of my activities. not that i posted about every activity i did, but i went through my days as though i would. i had this sense that my every movement was being perceived. that sounds a bit more paranoid than i’d like. really, it was more like having social media was an open window to my life, and the lines between what would be made public versus private were blurred.

    at some point, i developed a habit of thinking in posts or long-form imagined conversations. this was pretty detrimental, both to the above point and to real-world interactions i was having. it was causing me to have unproductive conversations and interactions, since i had already imagined what someone’s reaction would be and how i would respond. often, i’d go through a variety of reactions. just in case. this is fairly common for people with social anxiety, but the degree to which it was influenced by social media was also a surprise. i’ve had significantly better and more meaningful interactions as this habit has dwindled to being easily pushed aside.

    being more engaged in my hobbies has come naturally with more free time, but is enhanced by the fact that i don’t feel as though i have to share them anymore. my hobbies are mine to enjoy, and i prefer to share them on this blog or through conversation than on an algorithmic, engagement-driven platform. it really took a lot of weight off my shoulders to feel less like i have to perform and more like i’m truly doing them for myself.

    on the note of hobbies, i actually didn’t know how “trendy” it is to collect cassette tapes, write letters, and do film photography among gen-z now. despite being on social media as much as i was, i still somehow managed to live under a rock. however, i saw a very interesting article on slate that touched on this, called “we made technology easy to use – that was a mistake.” there is an author, david sax, who has referred to it as “the revenge of the analog.” one quote from the article reads, “these objects demand something of the user; and in demanding it, they engage us in a way that feels lost in our era of digital interfaces.” i find it pretty fascinating that a growing number of us have found our way into these practices; though i was not aware of the popularity, i developed that sentimentality, and it feels like an affirmation to know i’m not the only one.

    recently, meta and google were found liable for harms to a young woman who suffered immense mental health consequences from social media usage. the court specifically found that they intentionally designed their platforms – in this case instagram and youtube – to be addictive and that the content presented by the algorithms and manners of engagement are of active detriment to users. apparently, there are many of these lawsuits brewing now. knowing that this phenomenon has been documented not just anecdotally but in a court of law, i’m increasingly able to reflect on how significantly my mental health struggles have been exacerbated by social media, especially through my teenage and college years.

    i still find myself reading on google news pretty often, but it’s not unmanageable, nor does it occupy the same level of my brain space that social media did. i’ve gotten some pretty useful information out of keeping up with local and national news, and really enjoy reading articles pertinent to my interests in environmental science and conservation. strangely, though, i still find myself going to my app library and scrolling through my apps, vaguely frustrated that i don’t have an infinite scroll to browse, though the actual desire to do that is absent. i often redirect to opening a book or going outside, but it’s an odd sensation that i think might take a while to dissipate.

    surprisingly, the “fear of missing out,” or fomo for short, hasn’t come up at all. i told myself i could open it on my laptop if fomo really set in, but i haven’t wanted to whatsoever. in fact, i feel a reflexive recoil to the idea of doing so. i tried to look at tumblr on my laptop, just to test the waters, and got through 3 pages (tumblr is organized by pages in browser, rather than an infinite scroll) before the boredom set in and i closed out of the site.

    i don’t plan on commanding others to delete their social media apps, but i do hope sharing the benefits i’ve experienced might prompt people around me to consider the role that social media occupies in their lives. and that talking about my experience might help someone considering deleting it feel less apprehensive about doing so. i can’t overstate how beneficial this decision has been, and i am so, so glad i did it.